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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Being borderline useless, I have no comments about the story itself, save for that I absolutely loved it, and can't wait for the next installment. What I would like to suggest is that you somehow divide your notes from the body of the story, be it by a change of font color, lines, *****, or whatever. It was a bit disconcerting.
That aside, loved your story, and can't wait to see more.
Hello Faia Merth,
First of all let me say that your vocabulary is superb. You give the right words to describe, without making the reader feel ignorant or confused. Love that. Anyway, I have very few mistakes to point out. You are a wonderful writer.
The first thing I noticed was:
The fact that you used the same word so frequently kind of made those two sentences clash.
The other thing I saw was:
Ice cage? Not really sure what that is... You could have put: making my heart feel like it was in a cage of ice. Just a suggestion
I absolutely loved this wording. Maybe it's just because I love the word emerged. Either way it was brilliant.
Well, that's about it. Thank you for posting your story. Can't wait to see more!!!
With love,
~~Rose
Hey Faia.
I liked it quite a bit.
Your opening paragraph is beautifully written; you do a great job conveying the sensation of drowning, and from the first sentence, you had me fascinated.
There are a few sentences I would have structured differently, I think you repeated certain words a few too many times, and some of your imagery is a bit confusing, but your other reviewers have already gone over those issues, so I'll leave them alone.
Those are really my only gripes. You did a very good job keeping me as disoriented as your main character is through most of the story, and other than those few flaws I mentioned, the story is very well written.
I look forward to reading the final product!
Hiya, Faia!
I really liked this piece, and I'm eager to hear more about what's going on. Since your characters and plot were pretty great, most of my nitpicks have to do with your word choice and phrasing. Here they are:
This is the only sentence in your piece that's present tense. I'd change it to the past.
Ice cage? I don't believe I know what that is.
Two things about these sentences. First, beeping is used here as a singular noun, whereas numerous describes plural nouns. Possibly try "numerous beeps" or reword the sentence to eliminate numerous. Secondly, I don't quite understand the correlation between beeping and typing? When I hear typing, I think of clicking, not beeping. If you were referring to the tempo of both, include that to make things a bit clearer.
I liked this sentence.
Them? I thought you were referring to the face. Try 'it' instead.
This sentence is long and awkward. Try splitting it up into two or three.
Should be 'thread'.
Myself sounds a bit awkward here. I think maybe 'me' would suffice.
I like this sentence, too. Nicely worded.
Emphasize the fact that she's thinking this. I know she's thinking it, but it sounds a bit strange without the "I thought" tagged on somewhere.
Please write out the fact that she's not clear whether or not it's a bed or a table. The slash just doesn't read well.
That last sentence is in present tense again. Changing 'don't' to 'didn't' would sound fine, but if you'd like to keep it as a direct thought, put all of this in italics.
Whoa. How did the creature know Jackie was Jacqueline's nickname?
A few things about this sentence. First, I'm not entirely sure all of the pieces are on the same page tense-wise. Even if they're grammatically correct, reading it all together sounds awkward. Secondly, 'began to start' is quite redundant. If you changed it to, 'began to spin,' I think it just might fix both of your problems.
Now one more thing about some of the wording. I noticed that you seem to repeat the same word more than once within a short span of time quite a bit. For example:
Two words in this section, limply and arm, are prime examples. Arm is used in three sentences in a row, which is a bit too often in this case. Limply, on the other hand, is just used twice within a very short amount of time. In the case of 'arm,' try rewording some of your sentences so that you might could use a pronoun to replace it. For cases like 'limply,' try to find a synonym.
Now, this is not the only instance of this issue. I found it multiple times throughout the selection. Try reading it aloud to yourself, and you'll probably catch most of this repetition.
Now for more of the good stuff.
First of all, I absolutely loved your introductory paragraph. It was very well-written and descriptive. It grabbed my attention immediately. Good hook. I also was able to connect with Jacqueline's character. I could understand her fear and confusion, and everything except for her compulsion to answer the questions (which she can't even understand herself.
~Ima
Wow, unique idea, not what i expected. The way you wrote sorta keep me reading, will definitely look out for more! OK, things I found:
thread. The structure is also a little awkward with the repetition of 'shut.' Maybe smoothing like "Almost as bad was its mouth, sewn shut with thick black thread."
I don't know, the 'try' seems to interrupt the triplication, but removing it sorta gives the wrong idea. I think it's that the first two are actually happening, but the third seems hypothetical. Maybe "and my heart to pound," but that is slightly weaker... Whatever works with you, I suppose
Nice work!
Wow....... I loved it.
Everything you wrote made me constantly thinking "what's going to happen next?" I love also the way you write, it's easy to read. From the beginning I was glued
Can't wait to read the next chapter!!!